Wow, how do I even start? I was knocked off balance in the recent drama where some people began once more hurling emotional upheavals, angry uproars, toxic accusations and condemnations, etc. Well, this is of course not the first time. Just that, last year, I was able to stay cool-headed and detached, for once in my life 😯! Instead of being pulled into self doubts and had my confidence shaken, usually. I was able to see then:
“This has nothing to do with me, whatever the anger that has arisen, is the insisted wrong perspective or understanding held by the person about me, it’s not what I truly am. Whatever actions or reactions employed by the person, were punishments to make sure I feel bad and responsible for the unhappiness and mess with which the person is consumed…..”
🤔
I was able to stay pretty rational and not have my mind and emotions stirred or influenced or psyched. For once, I could see clearly what had happened, and what might have been happening all these while.”
And so I thought, I have transformed finally, to be the person I have wanted to be: more rational, more cool-headed, less emotionally driven or confused, free from loops or traps of depression, so on and so forth! Hooray!!! 🤗 (It’s really been very long 20+ years of loner journey in identity search and self improvement. 😢😓)
Then, just recently, the same kind of drama have taken place once more. However, this time, I was shaken off balance, again 🤦♀️! A part of me was trying to fight/resist, and the process of defence even had my mind churn out retaliations (speech, thoughts, emotions) that are definitely unkind or even “evil” in nature 🤬. All in the mind, yes, because, this is not the person that I could yell back or fight back out-rightly. I could only bear or suffer in silence. In the past, I would take in everything and of course, ended up with lots of misery and sadness. Any signs of repelling thoughts was in turn self judged to be such a big “sin” or “crime”, that I have to self punish by forcing to swallow the feeling of guilt and shame. Drama is contagious and infectious, oh yes, thinking back, there’s too much unnecessary self-caused pain and damage in my life.
So, before I set start the entire self blame and self punishment ceremony again, I have to tell myself to courageously acknowledge and admit:
Yes, having such retaliative (unwholesome) thoughts show clearly that I can be turned into a devil in trying circumstances, I am far from perfection! It’s a work in progress, lots to improve on, can’t be complacent! 🧑⚖️👨⚖️👩⚖️
Ok, fine! Now, I have to settle this first:
Find back the balance, identity, sense of direction! 🔭📡
I was once again grappling with doubts of self worth, emotionally feeling unsettling, etc. For weeks, I couldn’t settle down, I tried to remember how I did it last year, no, temporarily unavailable. Bummer, why was I shaken or defeated once more? 😞
Previously there are a couple of great articles that I have come across which I told myself to sit on and reflect upon in this self-study blog:
https://auntygoyio.vivaldi.net/2021/06/07/self-study-stop-feeling-thinking-like-a-victim/
However, the arrival of the following one has set me thinking and reflecting even more arduously than what I have planned:
https://tdjmd.vivaldi.net/2021/06/15/how-not-to-take-things-personally-frederik-imbo/
I shared this with a few friends, and interestingly, after having some conversations / discussions with them, through online chats, some form of guidelines emerged. Well, at the same time, I also realize that apparently, most people are not that interested in such intense topics. Ok, am I too nerdy or intense or overwhelming? I don’t know. However the typing out process helps a lot, not sure now how to find proper outlet the next time round, with whom? Who? But that’s for another day to solve and crack. Before I went off topic again, let’s go!
Guidelines!
The message from the YouTube video: “How Not To Take Things Personally”, has consciously or subconsciously seeped into me in the span of a few weeks, like some sort of slow digestion taking place gradually, while I was attempting to tackle the above-described personal issues. Here is what I would elaborate further from this reflection project.
The order of strategy is important! Some of us who are mostly conditioned to “take on the blames regardless” would tend to adopt the second strategy first and get stuck for a very long time there. Having said that, well if you have always been operating on the order described below, I would recommend to experiment with the reverse order. You might see a different perspective!
First Strategy: It is NOT about me.
- Listen to people’s intention
- 10 people can be talking about the same thing or reacting in the same way, but the underlying reasons / intentions / values supporting their speech or actions can be very different from individual to individual.
- E.g.: a group of people can be regularly discussing about current affairs, A and B are doing so because they enjoy the intellectual exchanges and debates, C and D are just being FOMO, D and E may be dead serious about finding solutions to these issues (D finds artistic ways to express them during free time, E is constantly looking to participate in sustainable projects and causes and enthusiastically rally others to join in), F and G are enjoying the feeling of superiority or “high” as they happily find faults to criticize the government or politicians. As time progress, the underlying differences might cause rifts amongst them to become more apparent. Disharmony or broken relationships can take place if no further communications and clarifications are made by all parties to agree to disagree.
- 10 people can be talking about the same thing or reacting in the same way, but the underlying reasons / intentions / values supporting their speech or actions can be very different from individual to individual.
- People could be on an over drama mode over a small issue
- this could simply be due to their own shortcomings or being overwhelmed at that time, e.g. unable to handle pressure, stress, at life’s breaking points.
- they may be operating with a victim mentality which they have been conditioned unaware due to their upbringing or environment.
- they may be operating with a victim mentality but on purpose for their own benefits.
- they have been taking for granted and stuck on fixed expectations, so may need time to accept any new changes from me, or not and for that I have to respect their choices (while continue to explore positive changes alone).
If the above strategy does not work, then :
Second Strategy: It IS about me
- Do some deep reflection on what I have to improve or have neglected
- I may have downplayed the severity of matters due to lack of far and deep sight, knowledge or experience
- I have been overreacting or in victim mentality when people are only just being casual with their comments
- I may be in denial of reality when people are merely pointing out the truth
- I may have been too self-absorbed or self-consumed that caused me to neglect the needs, values, and preferences of others.
- It may be my own shortcomings or lack of trust that have restrained effective communication.
- I may be too quick in making assumptions or passing judgements.
- Etc. Etc.
- Engage in self improvement process / projects
- Simply be more sensitive of others’ needs, preferences, and differences next time
Well, to be fair, probably it’s best to review both strategies. As the old saying goes:
“It takes 2 hands to clap!” 🤜🤛
If you have more to add to the above, please leave your comments! I will update this blog to include any valuable input. 👌
#depression #victim #victimmentality #selfvictimising #selfvictimisation #selfvictimizing #selfvictimization #takethingspersonally #selfcare
