My journey has been pretty rough internally. Even though on the outside, it didn’t look as though I “deserve” or “should” be feeling/thinking like a victim, nor there “should” be any “reasons” or “excuses” to be feeling depressed or discontent in any way. So as what I have been constantly bombarded with and screamed at, and therefore have believed for a long time. Unfortunately, just unfortunately, despite all the so-called foundations and infrastructures that were provided which gave me “no right and no reason” to fail or survive poorly, I still “failed” and couldn’t help but constantly sank into misery and depression. I have also unknowingly developed some unhealthy habits of feeling/thinking/treating myself like a victim.
Imagine, the amount of work, fixes, and improvements to do constantly in the areas of self-esteem, self image, self confidence, identity search, etc., etc., etc.! Not to mention, when it’s coupled with challenges of trying to pull yourself up from every single failure in life one after another, and without much courage to get any human support. All you heard, be it voices that have come from external, or replayed repetitively from internal (with some that were self-created or exaggerated), were strings after strings of negative and toxic accusations: “you asked for it!”, “serve you right!”, “you are a big disgrace and embarrassment!”, “you are lazy and stupid!”, “you are totally worthless, useless and should just stop existing!”, “don’t you dare burden anyone with your problems, you ungrateful, immoral, selfish monster!”, etc. etc. etc.
Oh yes, it’s a very long journey of loner’s path. I would be dead long time ago without the help and guidance from some religious teachings and methods. These teachings taught and advised me to bite through and persevere, as suicide is thousands of times worse in the after life. It was an arduous journey of 20+ years, and in the end, it’s worth it. What doesn’t break you, build you. Well, to be accurate: what constantly break you, and in that you tried with whatever amount of effort available to try to get back up even that one inch, accumulate through time to build you. Thanks to the mercy, patience, compassion, wisdom teachings, from the various positive energies of the universe that reach out to me from time to time.
Am I still functioning with a victim mentality today? Maybe some, I don’t know. I only know that the learning journey is a lifelong process, wherever or whenever or whatever I am, there will always be better versions toward which to grow/evolve. Similarly, there’ll always be residues or areas of negativity and shortcomings to sort through and work on.
Recently, I have come across a few articles below, which will be my current companion and project upon which I will read, reflect, and put into practice from time to time. If there’s anything worth sharing from this self-study process, I will keep this blog post updated.
Are You Ready to Stop Feeling Like a Victim?
10 Ways to Stop Feeling Like a Victim Once and for All
How to Identify and Deal with a Victim Mentality
#victim #victimmentality #selfvictimising #selfvictimisation #selfvictimizing #selfvictimization